Why??

Why is it when you need the Lord the most, it hurts so much to be in His presence?
In church I always find some passage or hymn or message that strikes me as a promise or a reminder to be patient. I love worship service, but hate crying. Makes me not want to go.
Why is it kids I babysat who are barely out of high school are pregnant and their younger sister just had a baby?
Why is it that these kids were raised by their grandmother, to now be having their kids raised by their great-grandmother? Where's my baby?
All I want is some good eggs to turn into good embryos and just one little baby.

Why do I have to wait?
Why?
Why?

Here we go again

Ugh - AF sucks...
I am SOO over having this monthly horrid reminder of my inability to have a child... The overflow bleeding, the clots, the headaches and cramps. Yep - I'm done with AF, she can pack her bags and move to Antarctica.

Sigh.. I really hope and pray this is my last AF for quite a while.
Started BCP yesterday and will do Synarel on Friday. Here we go.

Wish we had a map

Some "good" news. I did learn today that they will apply the $ to next IVF, but it still sucks to hand all the $ over when we could have had it through the holidays. Now we're on a super tight budget, cause our savings is gone.

We're really hoping that this was truly a fluke. Believe it or not, with all the IF treatments and challenges getting pregnant, I still view myself as very fertile. I ovulate each month, I feel the aches and pain when I do. I've had a child. Its just never crossed my mind, that I would only develop 3 follicles, only 1 mature enough to trigger. NEVER thought I'd end up having to do IVF to get a 2nd child. NEVER thought I would not do IVF because of the number of eggs. It was so hard to get my mind around accepting that we were doing IVF and to get geared up and scheduled, then to be denied. Ugh.

We're dealing with the let down. Robert is being great, but we're both bummed and kinda numb. We don't want to talk to anyone about it, its just crappy, you know. We were so optimistic and excited. We even got Maddy all excited about a baby. Yeah - now we know that this may take longer than we hoped.

BUT I am also hoping this is God's way of telling us to do 1 more IUI and he'll bless us. I dunno - I give up trying to know. Lead God, I will follow. Just wish I had a map.

Cancelled

This journey sucks....

IVF is cancelled. I'm sad. I don't understand. I'm more in shock than anything. No tears. I don't have the emotion or energy for tears.

Seems that I stimmed Monday-Thursday (4 days) and was only able to produce 3 follicles, and 1 is mature and dominant, ready to be triggered at 18 mm. The others are 10-12mm. ALL the money paid upfront, additional meds purchased and delivered this AM, all for us to be doing a measely IUI or timed BD. Great. 

The reason? No reason - just a random fluke, could happen to anyone, I'm the unlucky one. Most likely won't happen again. So stupid. I HATE infertility. I HATE that others can pop out kids left and right. I HATE my body - its broken and I want a refund! I HATE being mad about this, but I can't help it.

IVF protocol

I guess technically its the antagonist protocol because I didn't do Lupron.

CD 2 - 8 stims 215 ius of Follistim.
When follicles get to 14mm, add in Ganirelix to suppress ovulation
Will trigger with Ovidrel

Possible egg retrieval as early as Dec 11 !!!

NOT as much meds as I expected, no IM so far, not sure about Ganirelix. This is like an IUI on overdrive. Same kinda of thing right now, Bloodwork tomorrow to check levels, u/s Friday AM to see the number of follicles. On Friday I will know more about doses and what to expect.

My joints ache, mainly my shoulders, wonder if this is from the high levels of FSH.

Yikes

Guess what?

Doing IVF in Dec...

Start my meds tonight! YIKES, YAY, SOOOO super excited!
It was a long crazy day doing all I had to do, to get started today! Paid for and all - OUCH.

Plus a special IVF Fairy sent me her leftover meds so I may only need to buy 1 vial of Follistim. Thanks C.

Can we do IVF early?

DHand I talked about IVF and timing, and now we want to do IVF early in Dec, so I call tomorrow to see if we can!! YIKES!
We were waiting to save money and we have, we postponed replacing our carpet and DH got more work lined up so we can afford IVF now and DH and I both hate to wait for things, so now we want to do IVF NOW. LOL Plus I lost 10 pounds and kept it off through the Holiday, which was my minimum goal before IVF.

Thoughts about TTC as a Christian

As far as fertility treatments and "playing god" I have struggled with this and have personally made conclusions I am at peace with.

I personally feel that God has given us the technology and ability to use medicine to help us get pregnant. Infertility is not from God but a consequence of sin. The intelligence we have to overcome infertility is a gift from God. Its how we use it.
Do we use the medicine and technology to get pregnant with 6 babies at a time? Do we use it for testing? Do we terminate pregnancies? I also have come to feel that if I use the medicine or technology to try to get preg, God still has the last word. I can try for 10 years with all the advancements, but I won't get preg. until God's says Yes.

With Madison I was in a frenzy trying to get preg at first. I was in a hurry - everyone I knew was getting pregnant, and I wanted my child to grow up with them close in age. When we got preg it was great timing, and when we had her - the timing fell into place. If I had her 3-6 months sooner, DH would have been without a job. 6 months later he was hospitalized with kidney shut-down. When she was born, we were in a great position to handle a new baby.

Now I feel that pressure a bit -I WANT another baby - NOW or Yesterday! Again, friends are having their 2nd child and I am jealous, but I am listening more to God this time. I feel the self-imposed pressure, I want to keep trying, just one more time I say to God. It took 4 IUIs to get Maddy, so I need to do the same this time right? Kinda like superstition. If I do the HSG, the lap and the same combo of meds, I'll get a BFP.

Coming to terms with the idea that its not as easy or easier to have a baby as I thought, and sitting back and accepting that we have to move on to IVF, has given me a peace. I had to really re-evaluate my thoughts and feelings. I need to see the positives in the delay and spacing out of children. I need to trust God, he did a good job last time, he sees the full plan. I need to give thanks for the extra time I had to get my ankle better, and the time I spent with friends' babies, helping them out. Soon, I feel that God will bless us and then it will a perfect time for a new baby to be in our midst.

Robert and I recently had a serious discussion on the IVF. Lets say we end up with more embryos than we "think" we want for kids. What do we do? It was a serious issue. We talked about their viability and what happens if we let them freeze for 10, 20,30,40 years. We think we'd like 3 kids, maybe 4. Would we keep putting embryos back if they were viable even after we had 3 kids? How many kids would we be willing to have. The answer was for us, we'd have as many as we needed to - NOT to leave any frozen for long-term. Of course we can try to avoid having too many frozen, but for us as a religious factor, we had to talk out our feelings and views before going into IVF. We have peace, and God is in control and He won't give us anything we can't handle.

I also have to learn to ask with each BFN, why not now? what am I suppose to be learning with all this? Patience? Thankfullness? Humility?
I can't hurry time to move forward to Jan for the IVF, I can't hurry God, BUT i CAN use all He has blessed me with to pursue my dream of a child. He speaks so quietly, I have to really listen for him, over my own thoughts and desires. I think if you do FSH to help ovulate, you are doing what you can to overcome a sinful situation and if God doesn't agree with your timing, well, you will know it soon enough. I also have to learn to ask with each BFN, why not now? what am I suppose to be learning with all this? Patience? Thankfulness? Humility? Remember he doesn't always say yes or No, sometimes, its just wait, just a little longer.

Sorry for the novel, just a lot on my mind for TTC.

Why we don't tell everyone about IF

A few know about it, but then there's that "face" they make. The "oh, I'm sorry, now what do I say" face.. LOL

ALOT of people have NO idea that its not easy for others and don't know how to handle that.
Others ask questions or share that family or friends did the same. With TTC #1 we told only our parents (and FF) and it was super hush hush. This time Its harder so we've told more people, plus I kinda figure infertility is usually Hush hush, so what if someone else I know is struggling and could use the support? Now of course if I tell about our struggles this time, I have to usually explain that we had the same struggles with Madison.

I don't care about sharing, doesn't usually pop up in a conversation and you know I have a Mom's group of 180 Moms. I have thought about telling the group and see if there are others who could use the support, but I'm not ready to be so public about my private life,

I NEVER thought I would have to do IVF. I always felt so fertile (strange - right?) and was so concerned about getting preg too early in our marriage. I figured I'd pop them out without a problem. Plus my Dad's an OB, so its like the shoemakers kids not having shoes to wear... Just not the way I thought my adult life would be, or my family life. I have learn patience, to trust in the Lord, and to rejoice in all things. He sees the Large picture and I have to do what I can in my tiny little area of life and trust he will get all the pieces together in His time.

Its OK AF came, she was suppose to, I was hopeful that since the aches were early that maybe BD was enough this month and the aches were NOT AF.
The BLESSING?? AF will be gone by the time I board the plane and I can enjoy our trip without frequent bathroom stops!

Not Fair

I had a bad day this weekend when someone I know was recently complaining that they were TTC #2 and it had been 2 months!!! GEEZ, but then in passing she mentioned she was sick - well really pregnant - wink wink- yada yada - whatever!
I kept myself together but that night had a good cry in bed. SO many friends have recently had or gotten pregnant with #2.
My Mom friends are starting to ask if we WANT another or if we only planned to have 1, but we're so young to only have one, you know Madison really needs/wants a sibling.... I want to tell them to tell it to God, its his choice.
I KNOW I am blessed to have one child - but I want more, and if God wants me to only have 1 - give me a sign so I can move pass this longing and yearning. I'm not done fighting for another, but if we go through another year of this, we'll stop fighting the battle.

Tonight I was out with family and their kids when AF came - I was in tears as I had to hunt down a pad. Not FAIR that she came, and NOT fair it was early and ruined my night. NOT fair. I want to have a tantrum sometimes. Its easy to put on a good poker face most days, but then something happens and the cracks show.

Getting scheduled

I have my IVF stuff scheduled. The magic day is Dec 10, on that day I will have a SHG (sonohystogram), mock embryo transfer, IVF consult (get my med schedule), and injection class.

Before then I will have b/w and DH will freeze a sperm sample.

The plan is to start Lupron injects the day after Christmas. Kinda excited to have things scheduled.

Oh! The BEST part, the money isn't due until my Jan AF starts and I have my baseline CD3 u/s. Thats SUPER good.

One month...

One month down with a strict healthy diet and exercise.

I have lost 8 pounds. Half way to my goal, hoping to keep losing as we get closer to the Holidays...

Going on a jet plane!

YAY - we have a trip to Ohio and Georgia planned. We'll be heading out in Nov to explore, look at areas as possible places to move one day, and visit a few sets of friends along the way. Bob and I are excited to meet friends we have know for years online but never met in person. Madison has been talking our ears off about the plane ride. She wants to go on an adventure and stay in hotels! :) It will be nice to get away and hang out as a family for a week or so.

Rapido

Driving home from the grocery store and Maddy yells "Go faster Momma - go faster! Rapido! Rapido!"

I think we've watched too much Dora this week. 

Weigh in day

WOW - Down 4 pounds. 

I know its probably a lot of water - but it makes the challenges and changes this week seem worth it. 

Lets see - Can we do 2-3 pounds this week? I'm happy even with 1.

Yesterday I saw friends whom I haven't seen in a long time. My Mom made  sloppy joes and brownies. Yes I had both, but I also had the fruit and was limiting the rest of day with the "points". Didn't seem to hurt me too much, but we'll see how the rest of the week goes.

Sick

I hate when she's sick.

She's all happy but ooey-gooey in a not so good way, she can't breathe, which means she can't sleep and she sneezes and coughs a lot! Plus Mom and Dad get less sleep too. 2 nights this week I have been up for most of it, holding her, helping her breathe and sleep.

I hate when people bring sick kids to playdates or class. Makes me want to call them up each time I'm up at night. If we can't sleep, they shouldn't either.

Preschool

I figured this would be a place for me to talk about my weight issues - to help me focus and keep going.

But my child is too cute for words and now I will post about her also.

Maddy has Mommy and Me preschool on Tuesdays. We do free play and painting then circle time with songs and books, snack and then outdoor play. While the kids play outside, the Moms meet with the instructor and talk about parenting issues. We sit on a big blanket on the grass near the kids. 

ALL the kids play together - away from the parents. Except mine. She grabs a push car and sits in that car next to me the whole time. She honks her horn, puts things in her car, but stays within 2 feet of me the entire time. Other kids come over and talk to her and fill her car with gas and brings her stuff to put in the car's trunk - but she stays right there with me. 

Sigh - Do the other kids think its odd? At least she doesn't cry.

Diet Day

So - its here - the day I start my diet. I dread it, I look forward to it. Will it work, can I stick to it? Am I too weak to fight through the cravings to lose the weight? Should I just learn to be happy with my unhealthy self?

I am ready. This is ridiculous, I need to lose weight, I need to learn to think and eat healthy. 

I am on board.

I know I'll make mistakes

I know I'll eat the wrong food

I know the weight will be hard to lose

I know I will fight to stay on track.

Now to be accountable. I NEED to lose 15 pounds before Jan 1, I want to lose 20 before Christmas. I have enough time, now I need the willpower to see it happen.

Wish me luck.

Weight watchers Widget

I found this while getting ready to start my new diet. Shoot - if its nice and easy for me, might as well make it available on my site.

Visit DietsInReview.com. Hundreds of Diets to pick from like Weight Watchers and Weight Watchers for Men.
Weight Watchers and Weight Watchers Points are registered trademarks of Weight Watchers International Inc.

Yum

I have a new yummy snack/drink.

Have you ever had an orange julius? Or an orange creme ice cream bar? Tastes like that.

Its 1 cup of orange juice and a scoop of vanilla whey protein powder. YUM. Just make sure its cold and blended well. :)

TTC 2009

Yay - we'll be TTC in 2009. 

The IVF is on the calendar and all the pre-IVF appointments are tentatively on the calendar too. Time to scour the house for loose change  -I'm sure I saw a dime between the couch cushions.

Seriously starting Weight watchers tomorrow. My plan is to loose 15 pounds before Jan, any weight loss can help in conceiving... Might as well obsess over food, weight and the slow moving scale!

Taking a break

Its official - we're taking a break. What from? you might ask. From a lot of things but mostly from trying so gosh darn hard to get pregnant. We took a break from TTC in April and May so I could have metal taken out of my ankle. My ankle is almost better and we're mostly burned out and need a break.

A break sounds so nice. Sounds like you're putting your feet up (not the same way as I did while TTC) drinking a cup of coffee or an ice tea. Sounds relaxing and restful. We're taking a break from having out lives overplanning and yet not controllable. We're taking a break from DH's busy work. We're taking a break from not living our lives to the fullest.

So yes - we're relaxing (hoping to have a vacation soon) and taking a break from TTC. Maybe we'll get pregnant while resting, isn't that the advise we hear all the time - Just relax and it will happen. Well I've tried everything else, lets try this too!

Second opinion

I got a second opinion about IVF from a local clinic with great success rates. It gave me clarity and peace about our fertility situation. Overall I did NOT like this RE, he did not make me feel hopful, but in reality made me like my other RE much more and trust in that clinic more.

I felt like he wasn't willing to even try IUI or anything with me until I removed the fibroid. He questioned the results of my hysteroscopy and saline hystogram. I was dismissed. This is the clinic which has great numbers and NO WONDER - they won't do an IVF unless the conditions are ideal. I never thought I would leave without a plan or an offer to do some treatment.

My fibroid is 5 cm and he said I'd need a laporotomy with a bikini area incision and would need 3-4 months to heal and would then have scar tissue which would be an issue if I ever did conceive twins.

I have peace because I realize its not God's will to have a baby right now. My Reg Dr could do an IVF in Dec, this new RE would make me wait to remove the fibroid and heal -so IVF in 4 months. Both RE's are giving me answers that point to "wait". If hadn't seen this Dr today, I would question my reg. RE and wonder IF I could have gotten pregnant now or sooner.

This RE who wouldn't treat me the way I am shows me that his numbers are great, but maybe my reg. RE has lower numbers because he's willing to try even if the odds are against you. I will ask him very specific questions in regards to my fibroid, but he has done all the testing already and has decided it was OK to proceed.

So I will stick with my reg RE. I feel like I got a second opinion about my fertilty and possible treatment and was satisfied that Both Drs think IVF should be my next option and that I would have good success. We are going to do IVF in Jan, get through the Holidays without the fertility treatment stress.

To test or not

I had thought of testing today - but chickened out - just did NOT want to see a BFN before teaching the little ones at Sunday School. Way too hard. Maybe test tomorrow - maybe Tuesday.

I think the smartest thing for us right now - is if its BFN, stop TTC until we do an IVF. Save the money and the last bit of meds I have, and try to loose weight and get more healthy for DH and I.

No symptoms - just my sciatic nerve hurting - but thats a weight issue - not pregnancy. When I know - you'll know!