Why??

Why is it when you need the Lord the most, it hurts so much to be in His presence?
In church I always find some passage or hymn or message that strikes me as a promise or a reminder to be patient. I love worship service, but hate crying. Makes me not want to go.
Why is it kids I babysat who are barely out of high school are pregnant and their younger sister just had a baby?
Why is it that these kids were raised by their grandmother, to now be having their kids raised by their great-grandmother? Where's my baby?
All I want is some good eggs to turn into good embryos and just one little baby.

Why do I have to wait?
Why?
Why?

Here we go again

Ugh - AF sucks...
I am SOO over having this monthly horrid reminder of my inability to have a child... The overflow bleeding, the clots, the headaches and cramps. Yep - I'm done with AF, she can pack her bags and move to Antarctica.

Sigh.. I really hope and pray this is my last AF for quite a while.
Started BCP yesterday and will do Synarel on Friday. Here we go.

Wish we had a map

Some "good" news. I did learn today that they will apply the $ to next IVF, but it still sucks to hand all the $ over when we could have had it through the holidays. Now we're on a super tight budget, cause our savings is gone.

We're really hoping that this was truly a fluke. Believe it or not, with all the IF treatments and challenges getting pregnant, I still view myself as very fertile. I ovulate each month, I feel the aches and pain when I do. I've had a child. Its just never crossed my mind, that I would only develop 3 follicles, only 1 mature enough to trigger. NEVER thought I'd end up having to do IVF to get a 2nd child. NEVER thought I would not do IVF because of the number of eggs. It was so hard to get my mind around accepting that we were doing IVF and to get geared up and scheduled, then to be denied. Ugh.

We're dealing with the let down. Robert is being great, but we're both bummed and kinda numb. We don't want to talk to anyone about it, its just crappy, you know. We were so optimistic and excited. We even got Maddy all excited about a baby. Yeah - now we know that this may take longer than we hoped.

BUT I am also hoping this is God's way of telling us to do 1 more IUI and he'll bless us. I dunno - I give up trying to know. Lead God, I will follow. Just wish I had a map.

Cancelled

This journey sucks....

IVF is cancelled. I'm sad. I don't understand. I'm more in shock than anything. No tears. I don't have the emotion or energy for tears.

Seems that I stimmed Monday-Thursday (4 days) and was only able to produce 3 follicles, and 1 is mature and dominant, ready to be triggered at 18 mm. The others are 10-12mm. ALL the money paid upfront, additional meds purchased and delivered this AM, all for us to be doing a measely IUI or timed BD. Great. 

The reason? No reason - just a random fluke, could happen to anyone, I'm the unlucky one. Most likely won't happen again. So stupid. I HATE infertility. I HATE that others can pop out kids left and right. I HATE my body - its broken and I want a refund! I HATE being mad about this, but I can't help it.

IVF protocol

I guess technically its the antagonist protocol because I didn't do Lupron.

CD 2 - 8 stims 215 ius of Follistim.
When follicles get to 14mm, add in Ganirelix to suppress ovulation
Will trigger with Ovidrel

Possible egg retrieval as early as Dec 11 !!!

NOT as much meds as I expected, no IM so far, not sure about Ganirelix. This is like an IUI on overdrive. Same kinda of thing right now, Bloodwork tomorrow to check levels, u/s Friday AM to see the number of follicles. On Friday I will know more about doses and what to expect.

My joints ache, mainly my shoulders, wonder if this is from the high levels of FSH.

Yikes

Guess what?

Doing IVF in Dec...

Start my meds tonight! YIKES, YAY, SOOOO super excited!
It was a long crazy day doing all I had to do, to get started today! Paid for and all - OUCH.

Plus a special IVF Fairy sent me her leftover meds so I may only need to buy 1 vial of Follistim. Thanks C.